Agony
by write4evr
Summary: It was like there was a dark flame burning between us, and we were both too stubborn to put it out. Even though we knew that it was just hurting us both…and eventually, the flames would engulf us completely...
1. Chapter 1

**Kay, so…hey everyone. I've got lot's to say about this, but I'll say it at the end. For now, let me just say that this is **_**everywhere **_**because it is from the point of view of a partly drunk, half-insane, every upset Alec. Sorry if you get lost at all…**

_Magnus._

His name bounced around my mind, hitting every single one of my nerves, breaking me down inch by inch. When he left, I lost everything. Everything.

There is nothing left anymore. I am alone.

Wasn't I supposed to be the strong one? The one who was able to put their feelings aside and just not care? Magnus was the emotional one. This wasn't me. I shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't miss him this much.

Maybe I did lean on him more than he'd ever leaned on me. Maybe it was always me who had things to complain about. Maybe I needed him; needed that shoulder to cry on. But that's all it should have been. That's what it should have stayed at.

It was supposed to be a _fling. _A way to _pass the time. _

I threw my head back and laughed crazily, maniacally. Just a fling my ass. It was a fling that had lasted _eight months. _

"Eight months of wasted time," I sneered, all the while knowing that I didn't mean it. It wasn't wasted time. It was everything to me, those eight short months. It changed me in ways I didn't think I'd ever be changed.

_I loved him. _

I didn't think I _could _love. I'd been too…broken. Too caught up in the past; in things I couldn't have. I hated myself. I hated the mistakes I'd made; the people I'd lost. I hated that I couldn't pull myself together again. I _hated _that I wasn't strong enough or good enough for anyone. I hated being the person everyone only came to when they needed something. I hated being lied to.

_I hated caring for people that didn't care for me._

I couldn't love anyone new. Only the people that I'd lost. Only them. Only the friends that I'd chased away. Only the people that didn't want me anymore. Only the people I couldn't have.

I didn't let them know it though, oh no, I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. Why let the ones that hurt me know that I'd still willingly take them back? Why give them that power over me?

So I changed myself; turned myself into a monster. A hurtful, worthless, loner. The boy who needed _no one. _The one with the bad reputation that he built for himself, the one who constantly struggled to hold up the wall of lies that separated him from everyone else. The one that always made his 'friends' laugh with the twisted lies. The one with the bad attitude. The one that wouldn't ever make it _anywhere._

The one that needed no one but himself.

Oh God, what happened to him? What happened to the emotionless bastard I used to be, I asked myself. Why didn't I stay like that? Why did I allow one person to break me down? Why did I let him near me?

Why did I allow myself to love him?

_Him. _Magnus Bane. Glittery, hyper, loving, Magnus Bane. The boy that changed everything for me.

I broke down. I let all my insecurities surface, all the old scars, all the new, bleeding wounds. Jace, Jace was gone. I'd hurt him. It was almost impossible to hurt Jace, and I did it…

He was gone, my best friend, my brother, he was _gone…_

And Magnus was _there. _He came just when I needed someone to.

But of course, I would have found someone anyway. I would have found another toy to play with. Another bitch to mess around with. Just another meaningless fling with no purpose. Just another fuck. Just another way to throw the person I used to be away.

Dear God, why did I let it become more than that?

Why did I let Magnus break me down? He tore my walls down, took me by storm. He saw me at my most vulnerable. He held me while I cried, screamed, complained. He kept me from hurting myself. He told me everything I needed to hear. He told me he loved me, cared for me, would always be there for me. All in one night, over one melt-down, over one mistake that made me lose one friend.

Why, why didn't I tell him to _go? _Why didn't I just _walk away from him? _I could have gone somewhere else, added another scar to my broken body. Hell, maybe I could have even just ended it all.

Instead, I let that beautiful boy hold me and tell me things would get better. I believed him when he told me he'd stay with me.

And I did get better. I loved again. I made new friends. I let myself talk about the scars. The scars from being left behind more times than I could count. The scars from being told I wasn't good enough by my parents. The scars from seeing everyone I loved forget all about me. The scars from hating myself, not knowing myself, being more lost than you could _ever _imagine…

I let my guard down. I let him in. I fell for him harder than I have _ever _fallen before.

Magnus Bane became my world. He was always there when I needed him to be; he told me everything I'd need to hear. And I'd believe every word out of his mouth. Everything. I trusted him with everything that I had…

Things started looking up. I started believing I'd be ok, that I'd have a good future. How could I _not _if I stuck with this crazy ass boyfriend of mine? I'd take care of him, he'd take care of me. We really _would _always stay together. We'd do all the stupid stuff we always talked about doing. We'd get three thousand cats and name them all Alec and Magnus JR. We'd throw pancakes at our neighbors house. We'd go to Paris and disturb the peace.

We'd stay together.

But did I even want them when I had the chance of having it? I always told myself I did, but did I _really? _ God, I guess I did…but I was so afraid of having it, so, so afraid. I was afraid of the fights we always had becoming more if we got any closer together.

Magnus and I were like two opposing forces-we set off the worst in each other, but all the same, we couldn't go one day without talking, without loving each other. It was like there was a dark flame burning between us, and we were both too stubborn to put it out.

Even though we knew that it was just hurting us both…and eventually, the flames would engulf us completely.

That didn't happen though. We weren't consumed by that bittersweet darkness. Because Magnus doused the flame.

"_WHY?" _I screamed as pure agony ripped through me. "_HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME HERE LIKE THIS?"_

He left me. Magnus left me. He fell in love with someone else, someone _better. _Someone who wouldn't lean on him like I did. Someone who wasn't made up completely of scars. Someone who wouldn't always hurt him…

He. Left. _Me!_

I couldn't believe it had actually happened. I was in shock. I knew what was happening, but there was always a little cloud that covered up my thoughts and my feelings. I kept on waiting for myself to wake up.

But I never did. I never woke up from that nightmare.

He had _really _left me behind.

A sob racked my body as I thought about it all. He'd _known! _He'd known _everything _and _he'd still left! _I couldn't do this without him! I couldn't handle it! I _couldn't!_

I'd been dumb, I'd come to rely on him and him alone but I couldn't take it back! I couldn't go back and not love him! I couldn't erase the memories of him, of _us! _

I couldn't stop wondering what we _could _have been! What if he'd stayed and kept all of his promises? What could have happened?

I could have been _happy!_

Just as I'd been getting better he _left _and everything got worse! I'd let him in, taken my walls down, started _feeling…_I'd gotten so used to having him around…

It was so strange, waking up and not smiling because I knew I'd get to talk to him, to see him. It was so odd to think that all the things he used to say to me, he was saying to something else. All the smiles, and the looks…they weren't mine anymore.

I just couldn't get over it. He was _my _Maggie…he couldn't really be gone…

I must have held on to the hope that he'd change his mind and come back for _months. _I kept on waiting for him to start reaching out to _me _again. I kept on waiting for him to use my old nickname, Pumpkin, again when we talked.

Ah, that nickname. It was ridiculous to miss such a stupid thing…but I had grown so used to hearing it…

I hoped with all my heart that I'd hear him say, "I love you Pumpkin", again. I knew I'd do anything for him to come back. I…could be better. I could be anything he wanted. Anything. Anything at all.

I just needed him to _come back…_

"But you never did, did you Maggie?" I whispered brokenly as I stared into the darkness.

No, Magnus never came back. At one point, he clearly pointed out that he was fine with us being over, with me being gone.

There was no 'maybe' anymore. There was nothing. Magnus was gone, and he wasn't coming back.

And what did I have _then? _I didn't have a family that loved me. I didn't have friends. I didn't have hope. I didn't have light. I didn't have dreams.

I didn't have _him…_

_ He _had him. _He _had my Maggie. That _stupid _boy. The one who was everything I wasn't. The one who had everything I'd lost.

I hated him. I hated him more than I'd ever hated anyone else before in my life. I could have killed him. I _would _have killed him, but…

"But he made Magnus happy," I said, completing my thought out loud as tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Magnus loves him so much…so, so much…"

I couldn't take that happiness away from him. I couldn't. I loved him too much.

God, the shit I do for you, Magnus Bane…

I leaned my head back against the wall behind me and laughed again. I flicked the lighter in my hand, staring at the tiny flame.

_Well, do it, Alec. Just do it, why don't you? No one will miss you anyway, _a little voice in the back of my head taunted.

I sobbed, knowing it was true. It was so, so true…

_That's right, cry. You _deserve _to hurt. You're not good enough for _anyone, _but especially not Magnus. He never loved you, you know. He was always just being nice. You know that's how he is. _

"Shut up," I whispered.

_Oh, don't even try to deny it. He's too nice for his own good, that one. He'd have to be to put up with someone as worthless as _you!

"Shut. Up," I growled.

_Pft, whatever. Ok, fine. Maybe he put up with you because of your eyes then. Doesn't his new boy have blue eyes too? Prettier than yours are, but still, they _are _blue._

"SHUT UP!" I screamed, lashing out and hitting whatever was nearest to me.

_Ok Alec, I'll be quiet. But I'm always going to be here…just like Magnus said he would be. Only, I'm not lying._

With a scream of rage, I threw the bottle of alcohol that'd been sitting next to me in the pitch blackness across the room.

I hear the glass shatter, loving the sound of it. It was like what I assumed it sounded like when everything was ripped out from underneath you and the only person you trusted broke you down to _nothing._

I didn't have anything anymore. I had scars. I had that taunting, teasing voice in my head. I had memories. I had tears.

I was nothing anymore. All that had made me good, whole, _something…_was gone.

With a smirk, I tore a strip of fabric off of my shirt. I walked across the room and soaked it in the alcohol that was spreading in a puddle all over the floor.

I flicked my lighter again and smile softly.

"You did this Magnus Bane. I honestly hope you're happy."

And with that, I lit the piece of cloth from my shirt, sat down in the spilled alcohol, and dropped the burning piece of fabric.

I let the dark flames engulf me. Magnus may have escaped the flames of the burning, bittersweet love we'd shared, but I hadn't.

No, I gave into the flames, and with a smile on my face, I let myself burn in the dark fire that had ruined all that was left of me.

I gave my life up with a love that didn't love me back in mind.

Magnus Bane was the death of me. Just like I always said he would be.

**Alright…honestly, I want you to like this, but I honestly don't care either way, because it's **_**really **_**personal for me. Basically, this is my life right now. I just wanted to throw this out there to…well, show WHY I haven't been writing anything else. I just don't have the motivation or the ability to focus anymore. So…hope you liked it, if you don't, it really doesn't matter…only took me fifteen minutes to do it anyway, it's not like I put an ass load of work into it or anything…**

**So anyway, again, I apologize for being **_**really**_** absent on here. I'll see you all when I get my mojo back.**

**As always, love you all. 3**

**~Mack**


	2. AN

Hey everyone!

First, I want to say thank you for all the reviews I got. They were, literally, the best I've ever gotten, and I really appreciate them.

Next, there is more to this…my twin SushiSasha244 wrote a fic called Loneliness (go find her to read it) and we realized how well it and Agony fit together. Also, now Sasha and I are writing a sequel to Loneliness together, and she's got it on her profile, so if you'd like to read it just go and check her out :) (All of these things fit in with Agony, remember, I'm not just advertising, I promise :P)

Oh, and I'm writing something for AFTER this from Magnus' point of view, or I will if anyone's interested.

So, again, thank you SO much for the reviews and things, check out Sasha for Loneliness (the first part; which is also a oneshot), and Hope, which is going to have multiple chapters and is the second part to this big mess of depressing Alec and Magnus stuff :P

Alright, so…that's about it! Bye guys! Love yall! 3

~Mack


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